The Quick and the Dead and the Stupid.

[Space Voyager]

Plint Cletewood

 

I'd like a laser weapon, too!

[NKF]

I want a puppy.

 

*blinks*

 

Um, I mean the Deuce wants to bang some sectoid heads together and a puppy.

 

- NKF

[chiasaur11]

I'd like a comfortable retirement, or if that proves itself impossible, a switch over to the Science division.

 

In the likely event that would be denied on grounds of making an X-Com trooper happy (in violation of all laws of reality), laser rifle.

[Thorondor]

"No no, I'm fine here thank you very much. (...) That tactic didn't end so well for me in a previous life y'know."

Rookie's going Buddhist on me now; bloody marvellous. *lights cigar*

 

So, self-preservation, or battlefield nirvana... *primes grenade to 0*

 

::

 

What will it be?...

[MitsuMishi]

Can I come back into action too? ^^

[Sunflash]

Might wanna wait till we've got some helmets for ya... >.>

[chiasaur11]

Rookie's going Buddhist on me now; bloody marvellous. *lights cigar*

 

So, self-preservation, or battlefield nirvana... *primes grenade to 0*

 

::

 

What will it be?...

 

Nirvana goes against everything my parents taught me SIR!

 

Valhalla or nothing.

[FullAuto]

Can I come back into action too? ^^

 

With this casualty rate? Shouldn't be a problem.

 

No terror mission for February, and a handful of intercepts and crash sites results in plenty of points and no casualties. Into March, and Personal Armour is rolling off the production lines (not actually rolling off, because then they would get damaged and a grease monkey would be shot as an example) and going to the senior ranks first, protecting the chain o' command. With another lab and workshop built, I hire more eggheads and sweaty overalled types to staff them.

 

Everything is quiet. The first Large UFO doodles around Europe before zooming off over Siberia. The humdrum routine of a super secret extraterrestrial combat organisation soon bores even the most unimaginative to tears. Then, one fateful night.

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Two Large, one Very Large, and a Small. No, not the base's pizza order (rookies get crusts), but the four UFO sizes. One Large is caught by my Interceptors, absorbs twelve Avalanche missiles, and cruises on. As the pilots return to base, turning their cockpits blue (not literally, you understand. These are hairy-chested men of ACTION, not interior decorators), the Skyranger loads up twelve soldiers in a manic excitement/depression cycle, and they go for the Very Large. Battleship ahoy.

 

The mission starts as it will probably go on. Grossbeer throws a flare out, only for plasma to scorch out of the darkness in reply. Charming.

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Two Floaters, one on the roof, one in the farmhouse. Lasers and Thorondor's Secret Recipe Hot Rounds make short work of them.

 

Thanks to their new door creators (laser rifles), clearing buildings is a breeze (this is hilarious because of course all the new holes would increase ventilation. While not necessarily characterised as a breeze, as the usual term is 'draught', I believe the resulting air currents are close enough to be called breezes for the purpose of this sentence). The chaps get clear of the Skyranger, and sweep through the farmhouse, DragonHawk Jr. dancing through the flames upstairs.

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Gimli drops a Floater Sunflash spots. MitsuMishi the 2nd cracks a floater with a sharp reaction shot. Funding nations bless those laser rifles.

 

Slaughter and NKFTWO, using the tactics taught by Pete 2, bash their heads through a ceiling, and wipe out two Floaters with the help of Sunflash and Bomb Bloke v2.0.

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Grossbeer follows suit, ramming his skull with joyous abandon against wood until the timbers give in, and, only partially concussed, he spots and kills a Floater.

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MitsuMishi the 2nd and DragonHawk Jr. approach the ship, with Thorondor in tow.

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No casualties yet, but this is Blaster bomb territory. Gimli, Strike, Grossbeer and Kaije form an assault team nearby while ulairion covers them. Gimli holds a finger to his lips and chops hand signals to the rest of his squad.

 

Forming up on the central lift without incident. ulairion and Thorondor swap to AP rounds.

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Both doors are covered, and Gimli bravely takes the first step in, praying that a plasma blast doesn't melt his armour to his face.

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Entry of the central lift, multiple floaters. A criss-crossing laser nightmare ensues, with blasts singeing foreheads and fringes. Troops enter, wiping out the Floaters around the central lift, including one wielding a Blaster Launcher. Phew.

 

But in the alien turn, not one but two blaster bombs are launched. Hilariously, they go awry, devastating the top deck.

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Shame.

 

Staying in the base of the lift may not be the wisest choice, and the troops evac back outside, firing parting shots into a Reaper's bulbous arse. The Reaper, infuriated by anal burn, descends, and nibbles Thorondor to death. Nasty way to go. It then turns on Gimli, chews him a little, and then stops, temper assuaged. Sunflash runs over, Medikit at the ready, but there is nothing to be done.

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"Oh Captain my Captain!" Sobs Sunflash, only wishing he had a desk to stand on.

 

The last few Floaters make a risible attempt at a counter attack, descending the lift to be caught in a crossfire of sizzling fire laser fire fire, until the air is redolent of barbecued alien intestines.

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A triumph, and a tragedy.

[DragonHawk]

Captain Thorondor!!!!!! We will avenge you!!!!!

 

Is SV captain now?

[Pete]

All too funny once again

 

Y'know, it never occurred to me during years of playing the game that maybe the higher ranled players should get the armour first in an effort to stop everyone panicking when their superiors get shot wearing their standard issue flight suits. Instead I usually dish out armour to those at the front of the craft first and work my way back, generally leaving some armourless individuals guarding the Skyranger. Lesson learned.

[Gimli]

But in the alien turn, not one but two blaster bombs are launched. Hilariously, they go awry, devastating the top deck.

 

Facts about Gimli: when Blaster Bombs see Gimli, they get scared and miss.

 

It then turns on Gimli, chews him a little, and then stops, temper assuaged.

 

Heeeeeey. That's outright insulting, everyone knows dwarven meat is tastier than human.

[chiasaur11]

A battleship with only one casualty?

 

Nice work.

[Pete]

There's foul play afoot - he must be playing on a setting somewhat easier than Superhuman!

[Sgt. Strike]

It is possible to survive a Battle Ship assault by being very careful, and taking your time.

[FullAuto]

If those bombs hadn't gone wonky, it could have been a total wipeout.

[Pete]

Yup - brings back memories of my first (well an early one anyway) battleship assault where I had my men crowded around the lift and they got massacred.

 

I still try to rush in though even on harder settings though just so I can take the blaster launcher-wielding aliens out as soon as possible.

[MitsuMishi]

Hey,dont you get points for recovering live aliens?Why did you get 0 points?

[Pete]

I don't think they're worth anything but don't remember them being zero - maybe I've just been playing Apoc too much where they are worth something. For some reason the funding nations pay you more per dead alien (higher score for dead ones = more money).

 

I always thought it was a but odd myself.

[FullAuto]

The Interceptors refuel and rearm in record time (for a geological event, anyway), and soar back out as the 'ranger returns.

 

Another 12 Avalanche missiles expended (and I only have 12 stored), and one Large UFO downed. The remaining two take off, and roam Europe, with the Large setting back down in time for a fresh load of troops to be Skyrangered out to it.

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The new captain, sir-roosio, leads them in a rousing rendition of Who Wants to Live Forever by Queen, over the backing roar of the engines, depressing everybody.

 

The Interceptors are going to load up the last dozen missiles, and see about that last UFO...

[Thorondor]

"Live bait! Come and get it!!"

 

::

 

Always said I was tasty; and a gawdammed sexual Tyrannosaurus to boot, if I may say so myself.

 

Of course that was all too much for furry-buns to resist.

[FullAuto]

Don't fear the Reaper, Thorondor, don't fear the Reaper...

 

Northern Europe, a wooded area. Bad memories of the first mission. Dry mouth. Cold sweats. Wet underwear. Too much info.

 

Crazy Photon, as fast as the particle that is honoured to bear his name, darts into the smoke and promptly comes face-to-side with a Floater.

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Peow peow peow goes the laser. Burn burn burn goes the Floater's cape, ribs, and organs, in that order. "Try to shoot them in the face!" CP cries. "I want one of those capes! For, uh, research! Yeah, research!"

 

Sergeant Voyager, moving with the speed of a thousand greased gazelles, slips away from the 'ranger and into the woods.

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Apparently if you go down to the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise. The Floater certainly got one in the form of laser beams killing him. That'll teach him not to listen to the nursery rhymes of another species. Idiot.

 

Captain roosio, leading from the front, climbs the hill near the 'ranger and spots two Floaters.

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Grenades are deployed, and the explosions kill one, but one survives and bobs off into the distance. Troops move from tree to tree, using the thick sturdy trunks as cover.

 

Azrael Strife decides to secure one of the doors of the supply ship with a proxy.

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In his infinite wisdom, he tosses it into a bush. A bush right next to him. "Oh God! Guys, don't come near me!"

 

"Don't worry, we're not." comes the faint reply.

 

Az crouches down, staring at the little orb of doom adjacent. He can't move for the rest of the battle. Trapped by my own grenade, he thinks, sweat sliding down his brow. How ironic!

 

Pete 2 and Slaughter circle around to the left, leaving Az behind.

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A Floater, lurking in the shade of the ship, bobbles forward to be caught in a laser/HFD crossfire. He dies. A lot.

 

Sergeant Voyager and his beautiful assistant Squaddie Photon circle to the right, going around the hill.

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j'ordos struggles to keep up, lugging an autocannon.

 

Zombie II lands a proxy next to one door, so with that secured, the team move in for the kill.

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Experienced armoured troops first, cannon fodder second. Some wit at the back starts singing Who Wants to Live Forever sotto voce as Captain roosio steels himself for entry.

 

"Remember! Aggression, Speed, Surprise! Let those be your watchwords!"

 

Tactfully, no-one points out that this results in the acronym ASS.

 

The entry goes like oiled snot.

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Until the troops reach the lift. Pete 2 takes his lumps like a man, surviving one plasma blast, killing a Floater, and then being killed in return. A mis-thrown alien grenade fails to make it past the corner, and Pete 2's remains are cremated as his killer is blown to shreds.

 

Thelma and Louise, Holmes and Watson, Biggles and Smyth, Fred and Rose West...surely among these great pairs, one day will be mentioned Voyager and Photon, who swept all before them.

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Here they are about to clear the Bastard Deck. Why is it called the Bastard Deck? Because it is a bastard to clear, that's why.

 

The majority of the troops hit the other lift, and reach the top deck. DragonHawk Jr. and Bomb Bloke v2.0 circle to the left, the others head straight for the command centre.

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j'ordos, leading, takes out a Floater as it exits the room, only to be killed by another, who is in turn blasted by Captain roosio.

 

Slightly bloody, but worthwhile.

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With the profits from those two:

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[StVier]

Just wondering how Azrael Strife got out of the fix with the proximity grenade...

[Sunflash]

Just wondering how Azrael Strife got out of the fix with the proximity grenade...

 

 

By not moving, and making sure to shoot any comrades that tried to come close.

[StVier]

So.... he's still at the crash site now???

[Space Voyager]

Nah, after the battle, with time to spare, X-COM operatives can safely defuse all unexploded ordinance.

 

Man, I'm still alive, and have a beautiful babe with me! Sounds like a Bond movie!!!

 

Thorondor, I weep for you, you were the last of my generation... I wonder... is it time to retire before the aliens do it for me?