Fall of the Fortress of Maksimir

[Gimli]

Oh boy. Can't say it was all that unexpected. Whenever we start shouting things like we did now (i.e. we're 5th on FIFAs ladder), things are not looking good.

I won't go into much detail, already ranted on IRC, although it was mostly ranting about commentators. Only when it was 3:0 did they start saying that Capello did a good job on studying our team. Gee, you think?

a) He's a really good coach.

b) He's training England.

c) If he went back home and England underperformed, they'd cut off his head.

d) We beat England twice in the last qualifiers. Of course they're going to be extremely motivated.

 

You're stating the obvious, dumdums!

 

Ahem. Anyway, Walcott was a really good choice, I knew from the start that he'd be big trouble. I remember when one of our clubs played against Arsenal a few years ago. At that point he was announced by Wenger as a future star. No surprise there.

 

The problem on our side was poor defending, and England naturally used that. Since neither of our center backs plays in his club, I think you can see the problem.

 

I'm curious what was said in the British media about the red card, though. Everyone here said it shouldn't have been, but personally, I'm not so sure. Now, there was no intention, that's true. But there was blood, and although if I remember correctly the arcade breaks easily and looks worse than it is, I can't say I wouldn't have pulled it out, if I was the ref. That later part did look like acting, I have to say. Pretty poor too.

 

By the way, from what I could tell, that disallowed goal shouldn't have been disallowed. It seemed to me that Simunic fell all by himself. Sadly, the post match wrap-up skipped that, so I couldn't get a better look.

And our goal was definitely not legit. But the guy who scored is good, I hope he gets to play more. Him and Eduardo could be a really good team.

 

As a conclusion, I'm glad we lost, now we can finally get back from the "we're so good, everyone else sucks" mentality. Every time that happens, things go wrong. Really good game by England, poor defending on our side.

 

So what does the title have to do with football? This is the first time since independence that someone beat us in Zagreb in an official match. Funny how I thought before the match that if anyone could beat us, it would be England.

 

Can't wait for the match at Wembley, it will be fun.

 

In other news, Luxembourg beat Switzerland, and Bosnia and Herzegovina (lead by our former legendary coach) beat Estonia 7-0. Ouch.

[Space Voyager]

Look at the bright side... Slovenia won against Slovakia and most of the planet doesn't know which is which.

[Gimli]

Haha, yes, I heard from a friend from Slovenia. He said: "I'm watching Slo-Slo." And I was thinking: "What does he mean Slovenia against Slovenia?"

[FullAuto]

c) If he went back home and England underperformed, they'd cut off his head.

 

Worryingly true. Civilisation is only two matches from anarchy, and all that.

 

I think the game was a case of Walcott being on his best form, the rest of the squad performing acceptably and you lot just having some difficulty in defence.

 

The red card, I have to say, was a bit over the top. Fair enough, there was blood, but I think with today's sport, there's a stigma against proper contact, with diving and play acting coming to the fore (something England only took on board fairly recently), so blood drawn often means a harsher penalty than is warranted. Think a yellow would have been in order, myself.

 

England are, sadly, brilliant only in bursts, and totally incapable of consistency. If we play Walcott next match I can see him scoring an own goal and then getting sent off. You kicking our arse really ground our face in our shitness, and so we'll play well for perhaps another game or two before becoming a spent force again.

 

Not that I'm cynical at all...

[Gimli]

Don't worry, we suffer from the same mentality.

The worst thing is that WC qualifiers are very unforgivable, since only the first team directly goes through.

[FullAuto]

England vs Kazakhstan.

 

When I first heard this I thought we were invading.

 

I'm predicting a narrow, shoddy win today for England, or a glorious defeat. Can't believe we're playing Emile bloody Heskey, the Most Unstable Man in Football.

 

ARE YOU EMILE HESKEY ?

 

You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?

a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly chip the ball over his head into the empty net.

b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper and walk the ball confidently into the goal.

c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy arse. Then it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the ref will give you the most unlikely penalty ever awarded.

 

Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?

a) Yes.

b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.

c) Would you bollocks. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.

 

You are walking down the street one day when a bird shits on you from overhead. How do you react to this?

a) Smile and see the funny side of it.

b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.

c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been shot through the head. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.

 

How quickly can you run the 100 metres?

a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.

b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.

c) "Run"? What's that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of shit...then fall over with ten metres to go and the clock at four minutes fifty-six.

 

During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area. How do you head the ball?

a) With extreme power and accuracy.

b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.

c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender.

 

A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance ahead of you, so what do you do?

a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.

b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.

c) Sod all. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed twat. You're not running for no bloody ball, you're not. And why should you? Thirty grand a week? Let some other bastard run for what they're paying you. You might strain a bootlace with all that effort.

 

During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely outcome?

a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.

b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.

c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, a pulled bank balance and an ego-strain.

 

Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?

a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your hulking appearance.

b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old boots.

c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was a great big fat useless twat who kept falling flat on his arse for no reason as well.

 

 

Mainly A's - You're not Emile Heskey.

Mainly B's - Neither are you.

Mainly C's - Well done, Emile.

 

Nicked from Soccer 24/7.

[Gimli]

Hahahaha, that's hilarious. Almost choked on my crispy chocolate.

 

Our game with Ukraine won't be on any TV. The TV station that got the rights gave up on it, and the agency that has the rights wants rights to the other Cro - Ukr match from the other TV station interested in covering it. The problem is that another agency already has those rights and is not willing to give them up. Facepalm, headdesk and all that.

I don't suppose any foreign channels will have it live? Or perhaps there's some internet webpage which will stream it?

[FullAuto]

This any good to you, mate?

 

What a crappy situation to be in, they should have had all the rights sorted out ages ago. Are Croatians everywhere going to be huddled around their radios? What a cock-up.

[Gimli]

Nope, doesn't seem to work. Maybe it turns on when the game starts, though. Doesn't matter, I found one that is claimed to work.

 

Edit: They got it on TV after all. Wonder how much extra they had to pay... by the way, that TV station is the Cro national TV, meaning it's in part funded by the tax payers.

Supposedly the Ukrainians already did this to the Italians in the last Qualifiers.

[FullAuto]

I love that compulsion that comes over companies. "Oooh, taxpayer money, let's waste it all."

 

Glad you'll get to watch your game, mate, currently watching England fumble around. Some shocking balls. Heskey is actually on the pitch, so I feel nauseous.

 

Commentators as always, are on top form, "Perhaps the Kazaks are feeling a little bit of fear." - Only of Heskey falling on them, the pudding.

 

Like in the Euros, and the commentators every bloody game "Quality of the game isn't very good, England would have beaten them easily if they had got through." - But we didn't, retard, we got knocked out by Croatia. So if the quality isn't that good, how shit does that make us for not qualifying?

[Gimli]

Wonderful first half time! (Can you feel the sarcasm coming?) Where do I start... Ah yes, due to the above situation, our commentator didn't get a proper communication link, so he had to use a cell phone. On top of that, the Ukrainian speaker on the stadium took 5 minutes to announce 22 players. His voice mixing with the commentator's made me mute the TV. And I was hoping to hear more on the whole rights thing.

But that's not all... they didn't show any stats whatsoever. Not for ball possession, not for player names, corners... nothing.

But the most annoying thing was their director. Apparently he thinks he's a great movie director given all the angles from which he had shown us players doing irrelevant things in slow motion while one of the teams is taking a corner or whatever. I can't wait for him to shut down some of the lights so he can have better light and shadow play or maybe give us a ball flyby camera angle.

 

Oh and it's 0:0 currently. Pretty open so far, could go either way.

[FullAuto]

Definition of the England squad - ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.

 

Very flattering scoreline, crappy first goal by us, own goal by the Kazaks, Kazaks knock one past us. This puts the shit up us and actually motivates the team. Rooney was good, Lampard had some top set-pieces, Heskey was totally useless in a practical sense, but he's big enough to be a nice diversion, totally spaffed a good chance, and provided an assist. Upson was shaky, Ashley Cole getting booed made me laugh and confirmed that England fans are total bastards (as if it needed confirming).

 

70 minutes of shaky football topped with some good efforts. Shocking, really. If we had gone up against a team that was a tiny bit better, we would have gone home crying.

[Gimli]

2nd half time was as boring as the first time, except the Ukrainians did nothing interesting making it pretty one sided. Olic ran around like a headless chicken. Why the ref prefers him to players that actually score is beyond me. Anyway, it ended 0:0, so it's not even worth for the highlights... unless you want to see the directing abilities of the Ukrainian director.

[FullAuto]

Just for laughs: Idiotic footballer injuries.

 

Rangers defender Kirk Broadfoot was taken to hospital after an egg he was microwaving exploded in his face.

 

Prat.