Reviving a *very* old discussion from a.g.x.

[Detonate]

Along time ago, in a newsgroup, far, far away....

 

There was a discussion on the ultimate snacking experience - I've not checked here yet to see if it survived, but there were two schools of thought - the pro-dairy lobbyist versus the peoples porcine front and the debate raged on and on.

 

Well, thanks to the link to googlefight I found here, I thought I'd see what the outcome was...

 

First result

 

Second result

 

Which goes to show that syntax and the subtleties of language can tip the balance.

 

I stand avenged - victory is MINE!

[NKF]

Ah, the good old cheese toastie. Yes, I remember that well. Well, not really, but while checking through and emptying the rubbish on my PC, I found a text document containing a post that you'd made about cheese toasties. The timestamp showed that I'd save it quite a long time ago - 1999!

 

I think the hallowed cheese toastie has been overtaken by several new cultures since then. There's this "golden toilet" I've seen mentioned often on some of the regular forums. I have absolutely no idea what it is about, but am content to remain ignorant. I have the cheese toastie.

 

Ah, found it. I hope you don't mind if I post it here in its entirety for the benefit of those who are scratching their heads.

 

Subject: alt.games.x-com.cheese-toasty-division

Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 15:00:41 -0000

From: "Detonate"

Newsgroups: alt.games.x-com

 

XCOM Headquarters

 

Chief of Culinary & Cuisine Division, XCOM HQ

 

Report : Organic Matter Displacement/Menu

 

Item : Cheese Toasty

 

Field tests by XCOM operatives have established a possible break through in

the war against the aliens. While conventional weapons and tactics have a

limited to moderate success rate, we have recently acquired knowledge that

the milk variant/grain+wheat combat weapon may hold the key to our success.

 

XCOM bases globally have re-assigned their R&D to explore the potential

benefits of the Mk1 Cheese Toasty variant - white, sliced bread [prepacked],

butter or margarine [optional] and the illusive element 'cheese'. The core

component to the CT Mk1 is of course 'cheese'. However, continued field

tests show variation on effectiveness. Reverse engineered examples have

narrowed down the search for the optimal ingredient and led us to believe

the origins for the element 'Ch' can be found in the British Isles, namely

Cheddar, nr Bristol [near-ish Chipping Sodbury].

 

Further tests suggest variants in the basic components may also be useful on

different types of aliens.

 

First suggestions in this area are to explore and test the Italian bread

available over the counter, since it's composition is far superior to

prepacked white sliced bread. Possible problems with this are the

manufacturing equipment which induces thermal bonding between bread and

element Ch.

 

Studies continue ubabated and stocks are running low of all core components.

Only yesterday 3 rookies were injured when a fight broke out when it was

discovered there was only 2 slices of bread left. From now on, all

components are kept under armed guard and the galley is now off limits to

all personel until further notice.

 

Corporal Jonlan has been sent on a secret mission with a shopping list.

However, there are concerns the Skyranger transport and Tank support may

attract unwanted attention in the Tesco's parking facility...

 

XCOM Training Facility

 

Psi Division

 

Report - Mk1 CT

 

Experiments have begun with our most suitable candidates into project

Wensledale.

 

Initial studies have found thus far;

 

MC thermal bonding is possible, however side effects have been noted in all

candidates, including:

 

Drooling

Repeated moaning 'MMMM Cheese Toasty good...'

Interrupted sleep patterns - all candidates have been found congregated in

the galley at 2am after each experiment.

Increased flatulence

Hightened anxiety

 

An additional effect is that some of the candidates have begun to believe

the Mk1 CT experiment has given them some kind of religious insight and

taken to worshipping images of the Mk1 CT. All images/cookery books and

womens magazines have been banned from the base.

 

Psi Officers report ends

 

Okay, enough of this cheese toasty stuff, its getting out of control...

 

And anyway, the food of Gods is surely Jerk Chicken/Pork...

;-)

 

Detonate

Midway React primary systems functional...

XCOM6 idea's mail to : interceptor@microprose.com

 

I know this wasn't what started everything, but it was all I could find at the time.

 

- NKF

[Pete]

I nearly widdled myself. Thanks for sharing

[Ego Terrorist]

That was awesome. Mmmm cheese toasty.... I think I shall have to depart and make one now!

[FullAuto]

I find it's best if you let the bread go a bit stale first. That way, the toasting is more natural and less invasive to the bread. Just check for mould before you use it.

[Detonate]

1999, you say? Wow, I feel very old, suddenly.

 

I think it's a testiment to the fact that merely mentioning cheest toasties has this Pavlovian response in people :-)

 

Reading it back though, I did have a chuckle to myself... ah, great stuff indeed.

 

 

Actually, these days, I'd have to say a steak sandwich is probably the best, thanks to Jamie Oliver, but the strategic planning required means it becomes a full blown campaign, not a quick skirmish. Now I go for the Gordon Ramsay sublime scrambled eggs instead. :-)

 

Ah, that makes me think of a googlefight - sweet or savoury!

 

_ _ _

 

Psychology humour website

 

1-800-PSYCH

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

[Kernel]

Mmmm... cheese toasty...

But let's also not forget the cheese and ham toasty.

 

In the words of comedian Bill Bailey in a welsh accent - "Cheese AND ham! Brilliant"

[NKF]

I've actually been making grilled cheese and chicken bacon (smoked chicken sliced thin like bacon) sandwiches with lettuce to take to work for my weekday lunches. I also put in a daily sauce of the day to make it interesting. It comes out very elegant and perfectly toasted in the mornings, but ends up rather soggy by the time I eat it in the afternoon. Not even the microwave can save it then. Still, it keeps me going. I might have to think about making a few air holes in the lunch box.

 

I sometimes try variations, like turkey slices, ham, beef cuts, tinned tuna, etc. It all works. Truly, cheese on bread can be used in a variety of ways.

 

- NKF

[Detonate]

I've actually been making grilled cheese and chicken bacon (smoked chicken sliced thin like bacon) sandwiches with lettuce to take to work for my weekday lunches. I also put in a daily sauce of the day to make it interesting. It comes out very elegant and perfectly toasted in the mornings, but ends up rather soggy by the time I eat it in the afternoon. Not even the microwave can save it then. Still, it keeps me going. I might have to think about making a few air holes in the lunch box.

 

I sometimes try variations, like turkey slices, ham, beef cuts, tinned tuna, etc. It all works. Truly, cheese on bread can be used in a variety of ways.

 

- NKF

 

Truly, NKF, you have a warped mind! I can't imagine what that lot must taste like... not sure I'd want to either, to be honest.

 

Well, we've got politics & religion, so what's next - a food related forum?

[Aralez]

That would be great! mhhhhhh, cheese and ham, mhhhhhhhh

[Zombie]

Bump! More cheese toastie humour at XCommand under the title "If Infocom had written X-COM (by Jason Scott)".

 

- Zombie

[Bomb Bloke]

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I wonder where that phrase came from? I've a vague memory that a text game I played on my old Amstrad threw that line at me. Hmm.

[NKF]

That my friend is Zork. Every time you're stuck in the dark, if you don't get out of there fast enough or switch on a light, you get eaten by a Grue.

 

- NKF

[Bomb Bloke]

Hmm. Whatever it was, it wasn't Zork. I think I ended up falling down a hole in the end.