Famous people who died in most uncool ways

[Gungadin]

Hello. After thinking about it, and being inspired by the Monty Python skit "Famous Deaths", I've come to the conclusion that there are two ways for a famous person to die: One in which he dies in a heroic and/or notorious manner to be remembered for the sheer badassery of it, and another where his death is wholly anticlimatic and embarrasing to his legacy and did most likely have Saint Peter slapping his thighs in laughter.

 

To illustrate: Captain Blackbeard, aka Edward Teach. Spent his whole life sailing the Carribean, plundering ships and executing people without mercy. Did at one time shoot fellow crewmember Israel Hands, whose name was later nicked by Robert Louis Stevenson, in the knee, just to demonstrate to his crew that he was a mean mofo. Had a habit of putting burning cannon fuses in his beard while in battle. Had huge dreadlocks.

Death: Killed while being boarded by British naval forces. Reportedly took 20 stab wounds and 5 gunshots and refused to die. Lt. Maynard, commander of the British forces, then decided that enough was enough and chopped off his head, mounting it on his bowsprit.

Legacy: Considered to be one of the most vicious and nasty pirates to have ever lived.

 

Now THAT is a totally badass way to die, one befitting his legacy!

 

Now, consider Lord Horatio Nelson. Dedicated his entire life to serving The Queen in the Royal Navy, achieved famous victories over Spanish, French and Danes, having lost both an eye and an arm to the enemies of Her Majesty.

Death: Killed in Battle of Trafalgar. Uttered famous last words to his fist mate Hardy: "Kiss me Hardy" Although historians argue that he might actually have said "Kismet, Hardy", meaning it was his fate to die that way.

Legacy: Remembered as an aging maritime queer with a crush on his first mate who somehow got stuck up on a pillar in Trafalgar Square.

 

WHAT a bummer for Lord Nelson!

 

Other famous examples of uncool deaths:

 

Genghiz Kahn: Ruler of Mongolia. United warring Mongol clans into the greatest warlike empire in the world. Kicked immense amounts of ass. Kept a starving man chained to his dinner table because he felt that made the food taste better.

Death: Fell of his horse. The ruler of the Mongols, a people known to be born in the saddle, fell. Off. His. Bloody. Horse. That is MOST uncool!

 

Wayne Maclaren. The Marlboro Man. An image of 100% Americanism, masculinity and a reminder of the ever-so badass cowboy/western past of the US.

Death: Lung cancer caused by smoking.

 

Thomas Edward Lawrence, AKA Lawrence of Arabia. Worked as an agent in Arabia during WW1, aiding the Arabs in their revolt against the Turks, also an enemy of the UK. Became one with the desert and its people. Highly praised by Winston Churchill for his efforts.

Death: After surviving war in Sandy Hell, Lawrence crashed on his motorcycle outside of Dorset, England. Pretty anticlimatic.

 

Goliath. Biblical terror of the Hebrew people. Stood 9½ foot tall. Challenged every Jew in Palestine, yet none dared face him.

Death: Killed by a kid with a slingshot. Uncool on a BIBLICAL scale.

 

Bruce Lee: Kung Fu movie superstar. Brought martial arts chop-socky to prominence in the West. Rebelled against stagnant kung-fu practices, sought to revolutionize martial arts. Great screen presence. Had lots of bitches.

Death: cerebral edema caused by allergic reaction to a painkiller he took for a headache.

Note: I am personally offended that Bruce Lee died of anything but a kung-fu deathmatch, preferably involving Ninjas, Dinosaurs and Lo Pan.

 

Elvis Presley. THE KING OF ROCK AND ROLL!

Death: Died a fatass and an addict of a heart attack caused by said addiction and fatness. How the mighty have fallen.

 

Ferdinand Magellan: Famous naval explorer, first man to attempt a successful circumnavigation of earth in 1519. Has straight named after him to the south of South America.

Death: Killed by cannibals before even completing his circumnavigation, which was completed without him. Those cannibals really know how to ruin a man's day.

 

Will update this thoroughly saddening list as I think of more. Feel free to chip in. Historical cases preferred.

 

Note: the deaths of people like Tupac Shakur and Buddy Holly are unacceptable, since they died in ways very much fitting their life and legacy.

[The Veteran]

Two words, King Kong...

[Gungadin]

Two words, King Kong...

 

How is falling off a tower fighting off attacking Sopwith Camels with your bare hands while protecing the woman you love not totally badass and cool?

 

No, what would be uncool would be if he'd become a huge star and then gone on to fade into obscurity, dying of obesity and addiction to banana-liquor.

 

Note: Dying of drug-related stuff isn't neccesarily uncool. Kurt Cobain shot himself because of depression and serious drug problems after having become world famous and rich, something he'd planned to do since he was a kid. He even left a suicide note for an imaginary friend. THAT is keeping in character and very true to his legacy.

[The Veteran]

King Kong was totally cool but the poor guy didn't deserve to die at all... Let alone in a poorly animated american film

[Accounting Troll]

Victor Hugo died of a disease contracted by drinking a glass of tapwater in Paris to prove that Parisian tapwater was safe to drink.

 

Julius Ceaser spent years going round winning battles against just about everybody and then he was assassinated by some Roman politicians, including his adopted son. That seems like a pretty senseless way for an experinced general who expanded Roman rule to go out. Sadly, he was not to be the last Roman emperor whose reward for military success against external enemies was assassination by political rivals.