Simple Recipes.

[FullAuto]

Being mainly a less than brilliant cook, and finding most recipes not only stupidly complicated and unneccessarily lengthy (I mean, come on, how many of us have eaten sauteed salmon fillets with couscous? How many have eaten it on a regular basis? Exactly. Even if you are eating it regularly, you're not reading this, you've got your butler accessing the internet for you or something) I often find myself falling back on simple 'bloke' foods and I thought I'd share them with my brethren.

 

Simple Barbecue Sauce.

 

1 tin of tomato puree

1 whole onion

1-2 tablespoons of brown sugar

Dash of salt

Dash of vinegar

1-2 tsps of mustard (anything works, French, English, doesn't matter).

 

Chop onion very small and fry. Bring puree to the boil. Add onion once lightly browned. Give it a good stir, lower the heat a little and add sugar, salt, vinegar and mustard. Stir again and leave for a few minutes. Add more condiments to taste and stir until thick, then pour it over whatever and consume.

 

Hot Dogs and beans.

 

1 tin of hot dogs

1 tin of beans

Dash of chilli/Tabasco/Worcestershire sauce

 

Don't be a wimp and use a tin of sausage 'n beans, ok? Nobody thinks it's clever, and you'll only end up with cancer. Warm the beans, add as much sauce as you can take then dump in the hotdogs and cook until nice and hot. Toast some bread, slap it on a plate and pour the hotdogs and beans over it. Consume. Voila! Shit fire for the next few days.

 

Simple Bolognese.

 

1 tin of tomato puree

1 whole onion

Handful of mushrooms

1-2 cloves of garlic

Mixed herbs (don't fanny about buying seperate herbs, grab the box of mixed and use it)

1 pepper (red, if you're style conscious and sad enough to encompass your food in that)

As much minced beef as your bowels can stand

 

Spalsh some vegetable oil in a pan so it's got a nice coating so the food doesn't stick and burn. Add the puree, quarter the mushrooms and chuck them in, chop the onion fine or chunky (whatever you like) and chuck that in. Break up the minced beef and add it to the pan. Core the pepper, then chop it lengthwise and then cut those lengths in half. Throw them in the pan, along with garlic (not too much cause it's bloody strong) which should be chopped thin or grated. Sprinkle liberally with mixed herbs. Cook until it's all pretty much the same colour, then sling it over your pasta and consume.

 

Part of the StrategyCore Lifestyle range. Providing strategies for YOUR life.

If anyone else cooks anything easy and good, add it in here. Next week I'll be describing how to fillet a deer and eat it raw.

[NKF]

Here's a really simple one I like to make when the ingredients are available. Most of us probably know what a hotdog is. A sausage in a bun, basically. Plus other bits if we're lucky. So what if we don't have a sausage? Substitute. We use a banana.

 

I just put a light pat of butter, or margarine, on some white bread. You can use brown bread, raisin bread, or whatever type of bread that you fancy. Just not mouldy bread - unless you're into that kind of thing. Place a whole banana or halved banana (depends on the type and size of banana you're using) onto it and wrap the bread around it. Tada, banana in a bun. Well, bread. You can use a hot dog bun if you have one.

 

If that's boring, add something else to make it interesting. Some peanut butter or hazelnut/chocolate spread maybe? Blueberry jam? Some pre-sliced cheese perhaps? Or some real cheese, grated into fine bits? Slices of real fruit? Just go wild and be creative. Don't put too much on or you'll ruin it. Take extra care with berry jam in particular, as you can make it too sweet, and there is indeed such a thing as 'too sweet'. If that happens, no worries, an extra slice of bread wrapped around the sweet mess helps. Or just be sensible. Scrape it off onto another slice of bread and stick another banana in it.

 

The main down side is that a banana doesn't grill very well on the barbecue, and it doesn't go well with onions or bolognaise sauce.

 

Another simple recipe involves exactly the same ingredients as before - only it's lazier and takes less care. Just stick a banana in some bread, and squash it. Mmm, compressed banana. Whatever additional ingredients you wish to put in should be put in very lightly to avoid squeezing it out of the sandwich.

 

- NKF

[Bomb Bloke]

The closest I come to cooking these days is putting icecream in fizzy drink.

 

But, having done the shopping for the first time in... a while today, tonight I shall cook myself dinner.

 

Ingredeints - can of meat type substance, carrot, something green and a potato.

 

Clean potato, slice top up a bit. Place in microwave for seven minutes.

 

Attempt to get all other raw materials (meat being precooked) on a plate before it beeps. Check to see what the computer is doing between ingredients.

 

Carve a hunk of cheese off the block if extra time available. Place butter in cheese and eat contents of plate.

 

If I run out of tinned meat, then it's time for me to eat chicken:

 

Take raw chicken, potato, carrot and something green. Place in oven bag with flour and oil. Shake well and place in oven. Go play with computer for half the night. Place some of the contents of the bag on plate, then eat.

 

But when it comes to cooking, I prefer egg sandwiches.

 

Crack egg into small cup. Cover with cling wrap. Microwave cup for a minute, ignoring sounds of exploding egg. In meantime, butter bread. Remove egg from microwave. Suck burnt fingers. Chop up egg in cup, add to bread with salt. Eat.

 

Hmm. I wonder if I have any eggs. Do eggs go off?

 

Edit: I just realised I haven't had a proper meal in over 24 hours. Not even a sandwich. Hmm.

[Matri]

...ignoring sounds of exploding egg...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

y'know, coming from anyone else I'd actually laugh.

[Ivory]

this is my FAV recipie of all time :

 

Play Dough Recipe:

 

2 dups plain flour

1 cup salt

2 tabespoons oil

2 heaped twaspoons of cream of tartar

2cups water

food colouring

 

Mix together ina sauce pan and heat with care untill mix stiffens ans rolls into a ball- stir continuiously

 

NOTE- DO NOT EAT! THIS IS TO PLAY WITH!

[FullAuto]

NOTE- DO NOT EAT! THIS IS TO PLAY WITH

 

..............Shit.

[Pete]

The Ice Cream in fizzy drinks BB mentions works well with the following:

 

1 bottle of vodka

1 bottle of lemonade

1 tub of vanilla ice cream

1 pint glass

 

Fill pint glass 1/3 - 1/2 with VODKA (yes, that's correct).

Next Add two scoops of ice cream.

Finish off with lemonade.

 

Et voila! One vodka float.

 

The best part is, even if you don't really like the taste of vodka, you can't taste it through teh ice cream and lemonade.

 

Note: The above amount of ingredients can serve 1-6 people, but we strongly recommend that if it it only one person consuming it all that a second person be on hand to check their state of consciousness throughout the next 24 hours.

 

Seriously though, I know some folks who can drink half a bottle of vodka, get extrememly drunk, but be fairly okay by 10am the next morning. Weird huh?

[Accounting Troll]

Do you normally drink vodka in pint glasses? As for that drinking half a bottle of vodka thing, wait until you see me knocking back the Scotch.

 

My cooking standard is microwave TV dinners, so I'm very interested in this topic.

[Bomb Bloke]

NOTE- DO NOT EAT! THIS IS TO PLAY WITH!

 

You had to say that LAST... Didn't you.

 

Don't you know that males don't read instructions in full before cooking?

 

I drank half a bottle of vodka once. I can see why people wouldn't be drunk the next morning. It didn't make me drunk to begin with.

[Zombie]

Here is one of my favorite recipes:

 

1 lb fish (any firm fish with a meaty texture works great)

2 cups chopped onions

1 ½ cups diced tomatoes (seeds removed)

1 green bell pepper, cored and roughly chopped

4 strips bacon (optional)

2 Tbs olive oil

 

Line baking pan with aluminum foil, and coat with the olive oil. Place down onions as a bed, then add the fish, tomatoes green pepper and bacon. Bake in a 400° (Fahrenheit) oven for 30-35 minutes until vegetables are "al dente" (just cooked).

 

Or if this is too creative, how about a really simple recipe:

 

1 pkg ramen noodles (flavor depends on leftovers)

2 cups water

leftovers from last night

 

Boil water, add noodles and flavor packet. Cook for 2 minutes, adding leftovers at last minute.

 

- Zombie

[Ivory]

half a bottle of vodka??? only half!

 

Cake-

 

6oz Marg

6oz Butter

6oz flour

2 eggs (standard size)

 

shove it all in a bowl and mix well.

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grease two baking tins (this means rubbing them all over teh inside with a bit of butter to form a thin coating over the tin) then dust with flour (putting a small layer of flour over teh butter inside the above mentioned tins)

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share the mixture out equally between the two tins.

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put in oven gas mark 5 for 20-25 mins approx (or til golden brown)

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turn out onto a coolign rack (a rack with small holes in to allow the heat to escape and the cake to cool)

 

 

*points to note*

 

you can tell if the cake is cooked by pressing gently on the middle of it whilst still in teh backing tin. if it springs back up it is cooked. if it stays compressed it isnt and needs more cooking time.

 

do NOT open and cloe the oven quickly at any point when the cake is in the oven, the cold air will be forced to rush in causing your cake to fall flat.

 

turn the cakes out of the tin before they are totally cool, this will prevent them from sticking to the tin.

 

 

topping and filling

 

1oz of butter

3oz of icing sugar

two drops of milk.

 

mix together in a bowl. consistanc yt shoudl be stiff.

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when cake is cool -> turn out onto cake and spread equally over one half.

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put second half ontop of the first sandwitching the filling.

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dust the top with icing sugar (this means putting the icing sugar in a sieve and sprinkling he top of the cake with it)

 

*point to note*

 

if you do this when the cake is hot, the butter will melt and your filling will be CRAP.

[Quantifier]

The Pizza:

For 1-2 people, if it's my only meal I can eat the whole pizza alone.

 

cake:

25 dag of flour

15-20 g of yeast

half a glass (125 ml) of warm water with milk

teaspoon of sugar

salt

olive (oil)

 

paste (just mix the ingredients):

2 spoons of tomato paste

spoon of ketchup (or teaspoon of vinegar)

salt, pepper, herbs

 

25 dag of shredded cheese (or less, if you don't like melted cheese like I do, which is very much)

herbs

optional other toppings (everything sliced):

onion

tomatoes

sausage, salami, bacon

mushrooms -if you're gonna use them, clean them with a brush, slice, and fry in oil

olives

...

don't use too many ingredients, if pizza is too high it could be raw inside and burnt outside

 

-crumble the yeast into a bowl, sprinkle it with teaspoon of sugar

-when it's melted add almost all liquid and about 2/3 of flour

-mix it with a spoon, it should have consistency of thick cream

-cover the bowl with a cloth and put it in warm place (oven set to 50°C)

 

-after few minutes the dough should have bubbles, take it out

-add almost all rest of flour, pinch or two of salt, spoon of olive

-in case dough is too thin/thick add remaining flour/water

-knead the dough (until it doesn't stick to everything), make a ball of it and oil it so it doesn't dry

-again put it in bowl, cover with a cloth and put into the oven (50°C)

 

-after a quarter dough ball should double its size, take it out then

-roll a thin pizza cake, grease it with olive

-(optional) bake it gold in oven set to 200°

-put the toppings on the cake, eg. like this: tomato paste, about 1/3 of cheese, other toppings, bit of paste again, herbs, rest of cheese. Remember to do it equally on the whole surface. I often put few salami slices on the top.

-bake it in 200°C for 20 minutes

-cut it into pieces, and take them on plate by one, leave the rest in oven so they don't cool down

 

I learned to make a pizza from scratch in the spring this year, and about week later I saw a tv ad. One company introduced ready to roll-and-bake pizza dough! I was outraged. Everyone could make a pizza then... but none of them are match to mine!

[Ivory]

thats a pretty complicated recipie for pizza! ...but its alway good to try something different for a cahnge

[sir-roosio]

Hmm. I wonder if I have any eggs. Do eggs go off? eh.gif

 

Eggs do go off eventually, top tip, place the egg in a bowl of water and if it floats then its no good!

 

Jeez, i cook loads but tend to do it from books and stuff. though one thing i will tell you all is how to make the traditional and tasty Devonshire desert Junket.

you wil need. . .

 

Full cream milk, say a pint for the sake of argument (you can do it wiht semi-skimmed, but you only live once)

 

Essence of Rennet

 

Ground nutmeg to decorate.

 

Method

 

Couldnt be easier. Take the pint of milk, heat gently in a saucepan till its lukewarm.

 

Add about a 2 dessert spoons of rennet, and stir untill dissolved. Remove pan from heat.

 

Decant the milk into bowls/a bowl and place in the refrigerator untill set. Once set sprinkle with a little nutmeg and serve with cream (preferably clotted).

 

Its SO tasty! Try it and let me know how you get on.

[Rezed]

Egg paste

 

A few eggs,4 should be enough, boil them hard.

Then put them in a mixer, add some mayonase,salt and pepper. Tastes good with bread. you can do the same thing with a fish which was "wędzona" (can someone substitiude a word? it's a way of prepearing food by leaving it for some time in a dense smoke ).

[FullAuto]

Egg mayonnaise and smoked fish?

[Ivory]

btw- sir roosios test for eggs going off please note: you put the egg IN ITS SHELL into water thanks

[Hobbes]

You had to say that LAST... Didn't you. 

 

Don't you know that males don't read instructions in full before cooking?

 

I drank half a bottle of vodka once. I can see why people wouldn't be drunk the next morning. It didn't make me drunk to begin with. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Slightly off topic, but i usually drink 1 bottle of vodka once in a year on new year's eve. And next morning I am OK (in fact I usually wake up still drunk from last night).

 

Back to recipes!

[Rezed]

Eggs can be used for a difrent paste and fish for another i'm not that crazy

[Ivory]

strill on eggs- if you crack one open and its gone bad, youll smell it TRUST me

[sir-roosio]

As eggs seem to be the foodstuff of the moment, I feel it would be criminal to not mention an ommlette. A very simple recipie.

 

Take 1 egg (for a snack) or 2 eggs (if your hungry)

 

A splash of milk (around 1/4 of a cup probably, i dont know, i always add 'a splash')

 

A knob of butter

 

optionally you can add chees, pre cooked meat, vegetables, or whatever the hell you want.

 

 

Whisk (thats stiriing really quickly and violently to get air in the mixture, if you dont have a whisk use a fork) the eggs, milk and butter in a bowl.

 

Heat a small amount of butter in a frying pan on a medium - high heat until the butters melted.

 

Tip the Omlette mixture in on pan

 

Once the omlette is is the pan you can add the meat, veggies or cheese.

 

Cook for around 5-10 minutes, pushing the edge of the omlette away from the pan regualrly. the mixture will gradually start to set as it cooks. When the top side is just starting to set (or if you lift up one side of the omlette and see the underside ios nearly burning) you will need to flip it over.

 

The easiest way to flip it is to lay a plate on top of the pan that is slightly bigger than the pan itself. Invert the pan so the omeltte falls out onto the plate. Then put the pan back on the heat and gently slide the omlette off the plate and back into the pan.

 

Cook on this side untill it starts to brown off. Tip onto a plate, and enjoy!

[Ego Terrorist]

One recipe that is getting me through my second year at uni.

 

You need about a bowl full of pasta (not full, full, after all, pasta expands once it cooks)

Onions, Green or Yellow or Red Peppers, mushrooms and any other veg that you wouldn't mind frying.

Cheese (if you want it)

Dolomio sauce (or anyother pasta sauce)

 

Take the pasta, stick it in a pan of boiling water, don't forget to add some salt, I don't know why, but that's what all the books say. The pasta should be done in about 15-20 minutes

 

Once done, cut half an onion up and then cut it up some more into oniony chunks, if you want some peppers, then half of a pepper (any colour will do) again cut up into smaller chunks of peppers (don't forget to cut out the fleshy bits and the seeds, and if you desire mushrooms, a handful, sliced up.

 

Frying pan, or just a regular pan, bit of olive oil (or any oil for that matter) heated up. *At this point make sure you ain't cooking naked.* Throw in the veg, step back, and then once you feel brave enough, step up and keep the veg moving, otherwise it'll burn on one side. Once the onions are browned, throw in about a quarter to half a jar of the pasta sauce, turn down the heat a little, mix it all up. Depending on the sauce, 5 minutes should be enough for the sauce to be done.

 

By now the pasta should be done, taste it, it tastes cooked, it probably is. Drain the water from the pasta.

 

Now you can approach the next phase in three ways, the first is to relocate the pasta from the pan to a plate, and then stick the sauce on top.

 

Or you can mix the sauce into the pan with the pasta, and then serve.

 

Same as above, only grate some cheese, stick the pan back on a low- medium heat and mix the cheese in until it melts, and then serve.

 

Grind some peppers and salt if desired.

 

Eat.

 

Another handy recipe, is that of bangers, mash and beans.

 

Peel and cut some potatoes up, stick 'em in a pan of boiling hot water and cover. They'll be ready when they're ready, but the way to tell that they are ready is to jab 'em with a fork. If the fork slides into the potato like it would into butter, or something like that, then they're ready.

 

Grill sausages, turning occasionally, don't forget to prick 'em.

 

If you want fry some onions! (mmm...onions...fried...)

 

Once potatos are ready, drain, a touch of milk, a spoon of butter and then mash! Throw in the onions you fried, leave on a low-low heat. Stick beans in a bowl and nuke - microwave - them. Once sausages are done stick everything on a plate and eat!

 

Finally the student special...

 

Beans on toast.

 

Baked Beans - microwave them.

Bread - toast them.

 

Butter toast. Place beans on top.

[uriaheep]

Okay, I've got one.

 

INGREDIENTS:

 

1 egg

several large bars of chocolate.

medium size bag of marshmallows. (though chocolate white mice can be used if you have a sweet tooth)

1 bottle of port (can be substited by drink of choice though should be sweet tasting)

 

METHOD

Melt chocolate in a bowl floating in hot water and rest in front of log fire.

Place marshmallow on kabab stick.

Dip into melted chocolate and continue until all gone.

Accompany with bottle of port.

Finally, take egg back to kitchen. (if you are able - this I find is good excercise after eating chocolate.

 

WHO SAYS MEN CAN'T COOK

[Ego Terrorist]

And for those that shouldn't be allowed to cook, I recommend that you use this!

[uriaheep]

And for those that shouldn't be allowed to cook, I recommend that you use this!

 

 

Which tastes like this!